“I don’t deserve this. I’ve done the best that I could”. Have you ever said that? Have you ever felt that way? After trying your utmost and done exactly what you judged to be the right thing, there they stand, your critics, finding fault with every detail of your performance.
Such experiences, I admit, do push one to the point of believing that she ‘has walked in integrity, and trusted the Lord without wavering’ (v.1).
Like the psalmist she wants to put God to the test with this command: “Prove me, O Lord, and try me; test my heart and mind” (v.2.). That’s scary, you know. Misinformed people can harass you to the point where you want to put God to the test and remind the Lord about things that the Omniscient might just have failed to notice! It might just be, she thinks that God’s knowledge has not encompassed awareness of her witness. This All-Knowing Being might just need a reminder- “Your steadfast love is before my eyes, and I walk in faithfulness to you.” (v.3.)
Or maybe, just maybe, a testimony like this one, is meant to uplift the prayer’s morale. The affirmation “I do not sit with the worthless, nor do I consort with hypocrites” (v.4) is also somewhat scary to me. Hypocrisy is so prevalent, and often abounding in the churches where one must do ministry, it is discouraging to think that keeping company with others whom you must guide toward goodness and God might be making a mistake. It is my business to sit with the wicked and hopefully, be the salt of the earth that helps their purification and mine. I must also present the light that leads the straying wicked out of darkness, even if I can only be a catalyst. For “every virtue we possess, and every conquest won, and every thought of holiness are God’s alone.” [Harriet Auber, 1773-1862]
This is what I seek, that I might just be able to “wash my hands in innocence” (v.6) knowing that I have, indeed, tried my best. With this approach, I believe that I am helped to help others, to make myself useful in God’s vast scheme of things. If I can and do, then hear me “singing aloud a song of thanksgiving, and telling all your wondrous deeds” (v.7).
I really pray that I’m not swept away with sinners (v.9) even though I’m one of them, trying, with divine support to make my way out of that perplexing state. My prayer is that I can honestly affirm “I walk in integrity: redeem me and be gracious to me. Let my feet stand firmly on level ground that I may in company, bless the Lord” (vv.11-12) Amen.